HOME IS WHERE YOU WEAR YOUR HAT!

AAAAAAAAAARGH!

A have not been having a good couple of weeks, so it's big rant time.

After MONTHS of only getting 20-25 hours a week from Home Dickot, finally starting to get something reasonable but they're STILL 6 HOUR SHIFTS! Hence, I do not get a damn day off. Ever. Not only that I keep getting scheduled a 10:30pm closer and a 5:45am opener RIGHT AFTER! EVERY WEEK! I don't want to slap a certain lazy ass who won't do her job AT ALL!!!

On top of it all, no Head Cashier position. They want to go a "different direction" with it. Fine. Don't expect me to feel I owe you guys anything then, especially with this crap schedule driving me to wits end. Yes, I look like I'd be a pushover because I can fake "Happy Cashier" face. I can smile and giggle while some wrinkled prune that looks like he just crawled out of a bog and smells like he washed his hair with vomited in cigarette ash tells me the Mexicans are ruining this country and stealing his Medicare while in my head I'm envisioning rats eating off his face. Why, BECAUSE I'M EFFING GOOD AT THIS PIECE OF SHIT JOB!

Next on the list, Wells Fuck-o sold my loan to another company. I just heard from them. My payment was due 5 days ago. Did it go through anyways? Will there be late fees? Will it really continue over on their online bill pay like it says in this letter? Did they just decided t o skip this month for shiggles? Is there any way to contact them other than written letter? Oh I know the answer to that one! NO!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Speaking of loans, one of my loans just double payed itself again because when I called them they said they didn't see any automatic payment set up and I saw they no longer take Visa. I have a Visa. So I set up Bill Pay through Wells Fargo. Guess who DOES have an automatic payment set up? Hmmm....

Just to add to the shit bucket I HIT A PUPPY WITH MY CARRRRRRR! YEY!!!! Well... technically it hit me, since I'd almost stopped my car long before it's head thunked into the side of it. Stupid woman of course had it's leash in her hand... not on the dog. Big surprise it would run across the street into traffic! For those wondering the little shit seemed shaken but just fine. The woman says to her daughter over the phone "Should I get their names or something?" NO WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR YOUR STUPID MED BILLS AFTER YOU LET YOUR STUPID DOG RUN AROUND OFF IT'S STUPID LEASH!

And now, the big one. My parents lovingly got me 8 Neons for my fish tank to compliment my Betta. Firstly, instead of putting them in the temporary holding tank I had set up for the possible bottom feeder I was going to purchase they just threw them all right in with the Betta. Second, I only have a 10 gallon tank. Third, they all started dying off one by one so now there are only 4. Fourth, they started eating my Betta. so no instead of inch long red tails, he has little light purple nubs of frayed skin.

...

And I can't find my god damned china marker. And my Elephant bag died on me and the odd replacement bag I ordered last week still hasn't arrived. And UPS still sucks balls here. They ripped apart the tube my present for my dad was in (a Bladerunner umbrella from ThinkGeek) and didn't put the lid back on so I don't know if the included batteries just fell out or if they stole them, either way that's just shit. Nor did they actually put it back in the bubble wrap casing. Ooooh they're lucky there wasn't a single damn scratch on it or I would have called them up and REAMED THEIR GHETTO ASSES A NEW ONE!!! They ALWAYS do weird shit to peoples stuff for our location... like when it looked like they drop kicked Anna's computer and tried saying it was the box that did it... when the box was approved by UPS. Or when they leave expensive highly narcotic prescription drugs out on the doorstep with no signature. I love it every month when that happens.

And I still can't figure out how to date or "mingle" with "local singles." I can't figure out how to find another job. I can't figure out how to make enough money to get out of my parents house. I've been thinking "Maybe I should just get knocked up and marry some dude so he can pay for everything. Seems to work for loooots of people. I mean, there seem to be plenty of STRAIGHT GUYS ASKING ME OUT FOR SOME REASON! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT GUYS! OH HOW YOU ANGER MEEEEEEEE! *shakes fist*

Relatedly (eff you spell check! I DON'T CARE THAT IT'S NOT A DAMN WORD!!!!), I still keep getting hit on by desperate creep asses at work. Last one was actually over the phone. One before that I blatantly said "I pitch for the other team. I'm a lesbian." and didn't phase him a bit.

All my life I've just wanted to draw and doodle and play in the dirt... and play the occasional video game. WHY IS THAT LIFESTYLE SO EXPENSIVE!?!?!?

Rage... RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!!

It better be a damn good Doctor Who epi in 3 days... OR I SWEAR I'LL BLOW UP THE DAMN MOON!!!!

I'd like anyone who is reading this to give me their opinions they have about this letter. I'm going to send it in e-mail form to Karen-Sue Taussig of the University of Evansville in the hopes she will become my adviser... ideally on into my Masters should I get to continue. I don't know her but from what I've read she knows what it's like to want a change in direction in life (she originally wanted to be a ballerina). She also seems to write along the lines of what I'm interested in.

So anyways... any ideas, whether it's a typo, phraseology, incorrect capitalization, or if something just sounds a bit too ass-kissy or dumb, pleeease let me know.

--------------------------------------
Doctor Karen-Sue Taussig,

My name is Meta Carpenter and about two years ago I graduated from the Minnesota State University of Moorhead with a Bachelors in Anthropology and an emphasis on Archeology. I'm interested in continuing on for a Masters and perhaps a Doctorate if I find it financially possible.

I'm writing to you because I was told to go ahead and contact the person who I wished to advise me in this process and your fields of interest most closely match the direction I would like to bring my educational career.

At MSUM they did not have a Physical Anthropology degree, let alone a Masters, though over my years there I became more interested in that field. One thing I wanted to know is if I'd be able to start a Masters in Physical Anthropology with my current degree or if I would need to complete another degree first. I would want to take a few refresher courses anyways, since it has been a couple years and long enough where I worry about what I've forgotten.

I also would like to know your thoughts on how it would be more financially viable to go about this. I'll need to fund this with often inconsistent part time wages unfortunately, but I'm very set on going ahead with it all one way or another, and I would love for you to advise me along the way.

Respectfully,
Meta Carpenter

So Heidi was worried I'd be angry with her when she told me she was moving to Texas in May. Granted I was sad the first time she brought it up because it seemed more like she was simply going down there for Skylar's benefit when she had more to lose from a move. Supposedly he has a job now and I trust her to make wise decisions... I just don't think I trust him... especially after... well all that shit. I even wrote him a big letter and if I ever do see him again I may give it to him. It was more written just to get me to stop mentally fuming over it.

Anways... yeah I'm sad, but not really angry. I sort of new it was coming one day... just seems so soon. I also always new it was BS every time she'd say "Why are you buying that series? I have it."

Well... because you're bound for the other side of the world to be with the unmoving rock.

Blurgh. Ah well.

I'm left with very few close friends... it's like 1 and a half now. Not that distance will make her any less of a friend... I just don't think she understands how lazy I am when it comes to relationships. This'll pretty much mean I'll never see her again apart from the occasional whisper on WoW and the yearly Anime Detour (if she really keeps coming to it like she says).

I'm not sure how to stop everything I was from being swallowed up into daily monotony. I know it was wrong of me to depend on Heidi to keep that part of me alive, nothing lasts forever, but it was just easy that way. She was like the other side of me. Hopefully the fear of that happening will prevent it from happening like it has to so many of my co-workers.

Yusuf... he knows so many languages, was a professor of Agricultural Biology, was working on some giant project back in his country. Now he gets looked down upon as some leeching foreigner who may or may not have a bomb hidden under his apron. Russ at the pro desk has a masters in business and now he has to forward calls all day and look up orders for men who look like they've been rolling in their own filth all day and who can't wait 5 minutes while he goes and grabs it for them. Amanda from floor and wall, sometimes expected to run the whole department on her own and causing her to get yelled at by old bag yuppies who can't look for tile colors without someone holding their hand... has a degree in... something interesting... and was working on... some cool shit.... blerg. Vicki... she had a degree in Criminal Justice, was going for her masters.

Yeah, it's just a job for money, right? Just to fund things? Yusuf's been there for years now... and Georgenne? God, I think it's been 20 years for her.

I should be getting my one year badge soon. It scares me shitless.

I've been feeling reeeally down lately. It's like I can't not feel completely one emotion all at once for the past few weeks and it's either anger or some form of depression. Don't even think I have much reason for it apart from the usual day to day crap everyone goes through.  Even tried hanging back and watching some anime's and all they did was depress me more. Don't know if I want to finish Arjuna because of it. I didn't realize that one was so... "look at how shit the worlds becoming and there's nothing you can do about it."

Because of it I think I've been tending towards very anti-social... which makes it worse because then I start feeling like people are avoiding ME just because they're not dragging me out of the house by my feet. Then thinking that way makes me feel stupid... mostly.

I dunno.

I relate to "Dead Master" from Black Rock Shooter... the chick with the horns:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzZXrYJ4b_w

It's one of the better anime I've seen this past few weeks, it's only one very high quality episode so far and it's so new it's not even commercially out on DVD yet. Came out in Japan July 20-something.

Anyways... better head to bed like I said I was going to. My schedule's all fecked up this week. I go from closing then through a not so gradual shift to Opening... starting tomorrow.

I think I've just seen the hottest lesbian porn I've seen yet. That's not saying much... it had terrible quality, bad audio, and there were a bunch of frat guys wandering around going "Duuuuuuude" etc. and probably thinking "they're totally doing this to turn US on." but damn. Damn it's hot.

http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=639874448

And omg! VINTAGE!
http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1371155998

And Betty Page is such a cutey!
http://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=1501242343

So Carl Zachmann's girl is interested in a three person relationship and he's told her about me and how I've talked to him about my three person relationship experience and they both think I'd be a great candidate.

While Carl seems nearly giddy about the prospect, told him I'd at least like to meet her first, and fortunately it sounds like she's in the same boat, but I'm still hesitant. Firstly, they don't even live here yet, and second I'm worried there's going to be such a push/want for it to actually work it'll feel too strained.

I mean, things with Heather and Peter just sort of happened.

And... Carl can be very tiring to be around sometimes. He's great and can help me stop worrying about stupid crap in seconds, but he's such a big hairy force of energy... it's like trying to jump start a car with the sun. Very good friend, not sure how it would go in a more... er... bedroom-related relationship. And I'm not sure if they'd expect me to know what I was doing, because I don't really. At least, I don't think I do.

I'm also a very selfish person when it comes to relationships and though I tend to hide or ignore it best I can I do get jealous, even concerning friends.

Granted I suppose things could go sour in any relationship, I just worry about ruining a relationship that seems already great.

Been on a Facebook kick, which is why I haven't written. Found a bunch of my coworkers and got all excited over it... I think it's almost over though. Anyways, that's why I haven't posted here in a while.

I've been thinking a lot lately though, and I think I'm getting a bit depressed again. Can't really pinpoint why. I'm certain it's lots of little things.

For one, Malmborg's already hired for their season and didn't even call me. Granted, I wasn't sure how I was going to work around my crazy Depot schedule but it's the fact they didn't even ask.

Heidi is very into WoW and is still very involved with Skylar. I'm happy her relationship is going well and all, but I'm just still so angry at Skylar. He was a good friend and he just decided because I was annoying him with my chattering to basically throw me away... and it's like he didn't even realize that's what he did, nor did he care when I told him.

I suppose all my depression stems from that same old paranoia I've always had. I feel like everyone I know is only putting up with me out of some politeness. They're really thinking in their heads all while interacting with me that they'd love to be anywhere else but talking to me and how great it would be if I'd just shut up and never speak again. My talking to them causes them great stress and annoyance, but they don't tell me so because they'd rather not hurt my feelings, so they continue pretending. All the while they avoid me or talk about me behind my back to other people how annoying I am, or worse they don't even mention me because they need a break from thinking about me.

I've had people tell me that if they really felt that way about me they'd just tell me... but if paranoia were based on rational logic it wouldn't be much of a paranoia. This paranoia effects my ability to start new relationships or even keep in contact with old friends (I hate calling people). I've even had people say to me "Hey, call me! We need to hang out more" but to me that's just an empty phrase. It really means "Huh... funny running into you here, now let's go through the awkward motions until I can get away."

So... in retrospect, I really don't need friends that ACTUALLY act that way or think that way about me... since it only feeds that paranoia, but it doesn't hide the fact that it happened. A friend decided I was too much to bear, avoided even hearing the sound of my voice, and when questioned about it he flat out told me he couldn't stand talking to me.

Can I trust people then? Is this what everyone really does think but he was just the jackass to say it out loud?

How is it fare of me to ask others to hang out knowing that I might annoy them in such a away? How can I ever ask someone to date knowing that underneath it all, while they're sitting there talking with me, they'd really just love it more if I weren't there? I might seem like I'm blowing things out of proportion, but I genuinely am that concerned about making other people uncomfortable.

I was starting to get past all of it I think, just a bit, and then Skylar... and now Malmborg's. I feel so childish but I just don't like that they don't like me. It's why people think I'm such a shy person when they first meet me. It's why I work so hard in those RPGs to get all the character relation points up.

I wish real life had character relation points... and that if they were low I could just give them something shiny or dance around a bit and they'd like me again.

Going to post an AMV a night until Detour I've decided: